“If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

For over 7 years I have come to Fairydustings@mindsay for my therapy and tonight is no different. Tonight I have a lot weighing heavily on my mind and I do not know what to do with these thoughts or what I should be doing with them. At what point to I stop allowing my heart rule my brain and let my good sense tell me what to do? It's so hard when your heart is hurting and all for reasons that were unnecessary. What happen between Danielle and I was because we quit believing in each other and us as a couple. We gave up hope and lost all our faith. We gave up on one another and our relationship. And instead of finding a common ground that would bring us back together we resorted to hurting each other - and pushing each other's buttons to help envoke this pain.

I've known Danielle for 6 years and I know how she is. I know she violent tendencies and she has been to jail 2-3 times for assult. I know this, but I also know what her buttons are and how to and not to push them. I know all of this and at the point we gave up on each other she started pushing my buttons of the fear of abandonment and rejection - and I started pushing her buttons that I knew would push her over the edge and cause her to resort to violence. Now I'm not saying what she did was right because no one should hit another...but I'm also saying what I did was wrong. I knew how to bring out the worst in her and I did it on purpose. So it isn't that I wonder how I got to where we are today because I know...I just wonder how we got to the point that we gave up and started hurting each other. She was a very dear friend to me and I have loved her since the moment I met her April 29, 2005. It was love at first sight - and I never questioned her love for me since - but yet what we did to one another was not loving - it was very hurtful plain and simple. And above all I know that I have fault in this - and a lot of it at that.

So now I sit here and wonder what the next step in life is between Danielle and I. She said yesterday our friendship is ruined, but I'm not sure if she meant that or if she was somewhat "forced" into saying that. Danielle has gone back to TN to live with a woman named Donna who has been a source of issues for 3 months (but that's a long story in its self). She she has restricted Danielle and I's contact and has been quite controlling towards Danielle, plus hateful and mean to me. This girl is completely psycho crazy - and example is - Danielle met this girl on January 13th and on January 18th Danielle came here to stay for 29 days. It was during this 29 days that Danielle made the decision to move here. After about 24 days Donna stalked me down on facebook to tell me how her and Danielle were dating and how much they loved each other. WTF? She's been around her 5 days in person and they've been dating over a month - crazy girl! So Danielle went home for less than a week to get her belongings and Donna sends me 2 more messages via facebook to tell me what a "good fuck" she as and asking me if I was jealous that she was in her bed and not mine. Yes, she is a little psycho. I admit it did upset me, but I discussed it with Danielle and our lives moved on. Now this girl has called Danielle probably 20 times a day without exaggeration while Danielle lived here. She was obssessed with her and even Danielle said she was psycho. But, when Danielle went back to TN she has no where she could go and still have her dog other than this girl's house. For the first 4 days Danielle was back in TN she treated me like shit, but today she kind of came around - yet this girl is so controlling and jealous if I even talk to her for a moment. Her phone got destroyed so I have had to talk to her on this girl's phone which has been an issue in general. Danielle will not put up with this controlling behavior for long and that is what I'm worried about - because where will Danielle be when it's all over other than homeless? In the few minutes I talked to Danielle today I asked her if she really wanted to be with this girl and date her or if she felt forced into it and she answered with "the later." Danielle typically uses her facebook for family things, but this girl has forced her to put on there that she is in a relationship with her and that their anniversary date is January 13th - when they met. Right back to psycho, right?

Anyway, this brings me to all the feelings I have inside that I do not know what to do with. I love Danielle with all of my heart and I have since that first day. Over the years there hasn't been anything I wouldn't have done for her - and there have been so many times that she has dropped everything to be there for me. She's been there when I had nothing and went to jail - she's been there for me when my mom was dying - she's been there for me thru all my heartaches with previous girlfriends - she's been there to cheer me on thru nursing school - the point being, she's been there. And for that, I have always treasured our friendship. Now since her mother died things have been different. Danielle has changed and I don't feel that I know her. I have helped her financially since her mother died in every aspect - in fact to put it simply I supported her completely. I should have never done that because in the ended I enabled her to use me. I don't think she meant to to be honest, but it just ended up to happen that way. And I got hurt, badly.

To back track, I have been in places in my life that were very dark... I have been so depressed when I would lay in bed and since I did not feel mentally strong enough to get out of the bed, I would pee in and and just lay there not caring. I have struggled with cutting and had hundreds of stitches. I have stole from those I loved. I have been in jail twice with charges totalling 11 charges including 2 felonies. I have stuggled with IV drug use. The point being I have struggled greatly, but I have made the choice to make change in my life. The road to change was mountainous and I struggled greatly climbing up it. I have literally fell off my personal mountain several times and if it wasn't for my friends I would have never found the way back onto it. I would have never been strong enough to pull myself out of that dark spot and continue to climb up. This process was hard and at times felt impossible. I am still climbing, but at least now I am climbing with confidence.

Now on the flip side I have done some great things in other to climb my personal mountain. I made the decision to continue my education and obtained 2 bachelors degrees, 14 semester hours towards a masters in counseling, and 9 quarter hours towards a masters in nursing. This on its own has been a great feat. I have beat the odds and despite the government telling me that I was disabled and unable to work I have been able to work even if was only holding jobs for a few months at a time. At this point I have worked full time while going to school for the last 9 months - and I feel successful at this process. But I can say I didn't do all of this without struggle. Yet I was able to do it because I had an awesome support system of friends. Since my mother died I had to rely on my friends as they have been what has held me together - and when I have pushed them out I have found myself once again at my darkest moments. The death of my mother changed me - it has changed me for life. I struggled greatly right after her death and was very destructive to myself, but then I realized I wanted to make her proud and wanted more for my life and I started working towards my goals. Once again not to say I didn't struggle because I did struggle with cutting, depression, drugs, and going to jail. Yet I continued to climb up the mountain with the help of my friends.

I tell you all of this because this is where I am confused about Danielle. During my five years in TN Danielle was my personal cheering section. All my other friends were states away, but I had Danielle who was right there in front of me. I would have never made it without her. She pushed me to succeed. Danielle protected me from her wild life of cocaine, meth, pills, and pot. Since then she has made that choice to quite the coke and meth and for three years she has been successful at this. I am proud of her. I have seen the wonderful aspects of this woman and know how beautiful her heart is, but since her mother died she has changed. She has been hopeless and helpless. I have tried to help her, but despite all that I have done it has been for nothing because she is unwilling to help herself. But even when we gave up on each other I never lost faith in what a beautiful person she is and the huge amount of potential she has. I know she has it in her, she just has to find it for herself.

Danielle and I have hurt our friendship to the extreme and lost our relationship, but thru all of this I still believe in her - and I know she is more than the life she is living. I want to be there for her, but at what point to I stop being there for her and tell her it's time to grow up and let her find her own way. At what point do I protect myself and distance myself while she climbs her own mountain - that is if she even decides to climb it. She don't want to help herself and for that I'm sad. I know what a beautiful person she is, but she isn't letting anyone see that. I tried so hard to help her and we had a wonderful things and together we sabbotage it. I don't think she wanted it - I think she was scared of it - I think she felt she didn't deserve it. But I can honestly say that I tried. I truly tried to be a good friend to her - a good friend to a fault - a good friend to her to the point that it honestly hurt the friendship.

I want to see Danielle succeed. I have promised my friends I would not send her any more money, but that is so hard for me - especially when I know that she only has $20 to her name. I don't want to see her hurt, but maybe she needs to hurt to realize that she doesn't have to - but that it's a choice. Her misery in life is her choice and it doesn't have to be that way. I never understood that concept for the longest time, but it is true. She has ran away from TN to come here and build a better life, but of course her problems followed her. Now she has ran away from here to return to her life in TN and her problems will follow her back there too. I can not take away her problems not matter how badly I want to. I can not take away her hurt and pain - I can not be her savior. But with all that said, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be. I want to be her personal cheerleader and help her thru this...but I must remember being a cheerleader doesn't include enabling someone to the point that it hurts them more than helps them. It's time for Danielle to grow up and find her own way and as much as it pains me, I have to let her. This is the difficult road now for me. I have to let go of her - and let go of the control to allow her to grow and climb her own mountain. She has to make her own personal decision to climb that mountain as I can not drag her up it. I can not force her to do something she doesn't want to do - but I can encourage her to climb it. The problem is I don't know how to encourage and not enable her to continue to be in this ravine.

I love Danielle with all of my heart and soul and she knows that. I have always said there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her...but that means I have to let go and let her find her own way. That is what a true friend would do, right? A true friend would encourage her to do it rather than doing it for her. She has a mountain before her and I don't know if she will climb it or not, but I have my own mountain in regards to her as I need to learn to let go.

This is all so hard...but once again we are back to the theory that if you love something you set it free and if it comes back to you it is yours, if it never does, you didn't have it to begine with. So all of this I have will be taken on in the same way I would eat an elephant - one piece at a time.